Ok, it doesn’t happen often. Probably not even once a year. Though in the past years, it probably has been atleast once a year. It’s the same topic that makes me loose my cool ( if I ever had any). Me not getting the raise that I am intimately convinced that I deserve and it is killing me that the company and their bloody “Amtsprach” repeatedly first denied it. Then adding insult to injury, when my bosss boss changed, I had opportunity to reexpose my case and was told then indeed, this is “surprising” and “we need to do something”, but a full year after fuck all has been done. There has been a plethora if excuses. Hell is paved with good intentions. Ben the HR guy is on holidays…my god did he take alot this year, then the classic excuse that it’s HRs fault for not allowing for it. Having worked for HR in my company I actually know that this excuse drips with managerial pathos. Weak. Weak. Weak. The latest excuse is EPP. As if the “EPP” is a good excuse for not giving me the raise I deserved already 5 years ago. For those who aren’t well versed in the lingo EPP stands for Ebit Protection Plan. Oh yes! I’m supposed to care about that when the company has clearly spelled out how I am not important. Which hurts. Which confronts me with the Clash melody: Should I stay or should I go?

The only reason this happens is because they know I won’t leave. Funquers. That’s the thing though: I actually don’t want to work for petty people because I don’t want to become like them and by sheer osmosis you end up sucking up what’s around you.

And so yes, search for a new job and then the worthiness gets even more attacked even before I started. My weak self starts blablaing away inside my mind that one bird in the hand is better than 10 in the forest. That à la Bridget Jones 2: nobody is beating me do I should be fun king grateful. Bla-bla-bla. And is that the weak voice or is it the voice of reason? I tell you what: it’s the fucking pain in the ass voice and all I want right now il are a bunch of rainbow bears blowing sunshine up my arse to bandaid up my blistering ego.

Can’t even call my partner because then i risk his wrath of complaining when according to him he bears the heavy weight. Jeez. This is the martyr role that i have been accused of doing a lot in the past. Annoying how I get to see it so close up now. Hmmf! Yes, I know the irony or spiritual opportunity here. I’m just not in the mood for pep talk. I just want balm or tune out ( am on my second glass of wine). Ach!

The thing with me is that I default to crying instead of getting mad. I should learn to get mad more often. They get my anger and my partner does a bit, and at work only a tincy, wincy gets out. Because god knows some of them drive me bat shit crazy. My boss the most though. I must have a ton of father authority complex shit going on that makes this so hard.

But you know what? Being a single mom with 100% school custody and full time job is really really hard for me. Loyalty is torn all over the place. And I’m the one in pieces. Again. For someone that’s really smart, I’m clearly not applying those brain cells to improve my own situation. Funquing stupid. Ach!

I’m tired of it. And I’m burning the sausages for dinner! Ciao